I just don’t get coffee.

I’m sorry. I realise I am in the minority here but I just don’t understand it’s appeal. I know this may come as a disappointment to a lot of you but let me explain what I do know about one of the worlds most popular drinks and you can perhaps explain to me why so many people are into it? Deal? Great.

Ok, So it’s a hot beverage. I’ve got that. Or, well….it could of course be an iced drink but traditionally it’s a hot drink that smells amazing. That, I will say, is one of it’s highlights. I have no problem taking a long, deep whiff of someone’s espresso and relishing the rich, alluring smell. If the scent alone was what ‘having a coffee’ was all about then I would be there, 100%, loving it’s work. Back in the early noughties I had the extreme pleasure {heavy sarcasm needed here} of working at Planet Hollywood and would always ask to fill the coffee machine. It meant I got out of having to sweep the floors but more importantly it involved cutting a corner off the large bag of tightly packed coffee beans and letting the aroma of fresh beans fill my nostrils. Mmmmmm Heaven.

And that’s where it stops for me I’m afraid.

After that initial sniff it’s all down hill. Firstly, without the addition of milk {which I don’t drink anyway. Goes straight through me. I’ve just got to look at a half pint of semi skimmed and I’m rushing to the loo}, coffee has the appearance of stagnant, bogging, forest water. Not something I find appealing but then again I’ve not been dehydrated and stranded in a forest with only bog water or my own urine as an option so…never say never. Secondly, and I do know that this is a personal hang up of mine but I feel like that bitter, watery drink, drank first thing in the morning as a pick me up, is as bad as having a cigarette in the morning. And take it from someone who used to have a cigarette in the morning ON HER WAY TO DANCE CLASS ~ it’s not a particularly healthy thing.

‘But coffee does have health benefits’ I hear you cry. Sure, I know. I’ve read about them. According to an article published on Healthline.com in Feb 2017 coffee has the ability to improve your mood as well as your energy levels. It apparently does wonders for your metabolism and can enhance your exercise performance. What I take from that is coffee, which has the natural stimulant caffeine in it, is a quick fix that will pep you up and give you a buzz. It will also provide you with an artificial boost of energy and enable you to take a shit quickly. So it’s a drug, right? A socially acceptable, taken daily, highly addictive drug.

I recently did a job where I was a dogsbody…sorry, do excuse me, I was a runner on a film set. I had the highly regarded responsibility of getting breakfast for people at 6am, finding out where they would all go for lunch, organising snacks and, you guessed it, providing the crew with coffees. Not being a fan of this extremely popular beverage myself I didn’t put much importance on getting coffee for everyone my first morning. We were in the middle of nowhere and nearby cafe’s didn’t open until 7am so there was nothing I could have done anyway. Forty five minutes later I was told by the producer that coffee NEEDED TO BE FOUND! The DOP couldn’t function without it. Oh Really?! He couldn’t function without a coffee? Oh please. You can survive at least two days without water, surely you can do a morning’s work without a bloody latte? Maybe he really needed to take a shit. I don’t know but this is where coffee can do one in my eyes.

If you are a moody bastard, who feels physically sluggish and desperately relies on a boost of caffeine to feel better then surely you’ve got an unhealthy addiction? Being dependant on your daily caffeine fix means that were you to ~ Heaven forbid! ~ go a whole day without your Starbucks flat white you would most likely suffer from one or more of the following symptoms ~ Headaches, fatigue, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, depressed moods, irritability, tremors and low energy. With all these enticing side effects from taking time away from your favourite drink ~ How is it so appealing??? I mean surely you’d be better off with a cup of hot water?

Ohhhh I’m sorry. I’ve taken the fun out of this much loved, globally consumed, bad breath inducing, dehydrating drink, haven’t I? Like I said I just don’t get it. But I want to understand so…..tell me why you love coffee so much?